Session Five: Managing Relationships
Our relationships with others—be they partners, friends, family, employees, coworkers, colleagues, or bosses—profoundly influence our lives. A disagreement with a loved one, an unanswered text or call from a friend, or a sharp comment from a coworker can ruin your day, leaving you stewing over it for hours or even days. Conversely, spending time with friends or engaging in meaningful conversations with loved ones can instantly uplift your spirits and improve your mood.
Building and sustaining relationships is a defining part of a leader's emotional intelligence. As we’ve previously discussed, having a robust emotional intelligence involves not only self and social awareness but also the ability to effectively manage one’s own emotions while interacting with others. For leaders, the capability to understand both our own feelings and those of others is fundamental for fostering interpersonal growth and achieving success. It’s also more than just forming relationships; emotional intelligence requires taking intentional measures to ensure they’re healthy and mutually beneficial.
“When dealing with people remember you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but creatures of emotion.”
Self-Assessment:
Managing Relationships
Please take a few moments to contemplate the following self-reflection questions. Where can you identify opportunities for personal growth in your leadership approach?
1. Do I regularly consider how my emotional state can affect my interactions with colleagues and decision-making processes?
2. How do I handle emotionally charged situations, particularly those involving conflict or stress, within my team?
3. In what ways do I strive to understand the unique perspectives, emotions, and motivations of those I work with?
4. Can I provide examples of when I have demonstrated empathy towards others in a way that they felt understood and supported?
5. How motivated am I to make a positive difference in my team or organization, and how does this motivation reflect in my daily actions?
6. Am I aware of the impact my non-verbal communication has on others, and do I use it intentionally to convey positive emotions and reactions?
7. How do I respond to feedback about my emotional impact on others, and am I open to making adjustments based on this feedback?
8. What steps am I taking to continuously improve my emotional intelligence and my ability to manage relationships more effectively?
Remember, this self-assessment is just a starting point for understanding your knowledge of managing relationships as a leader. It's essential to reflect on your responses and actively work on areas where improvement is needed. Additionally, seeking feedback from others and working with your ECFL Leadership Coach can provide valuable insights into your emotional intelligence strengths and weaknesses.
Relationship management, as the name suggests, involves managing the relationships in your life. In the organizational context, this means maintaining positive relationships between a company and its clients. More broadly, it refers to the effort you put into sustaining successful relationships with everyone in your life, whether it be your spouse, family, work colleagues, or team members.
“The most important single ingredient in the formula of success is knowing how to get along with people.”
Drawing on three decades of cumulative research, Daniel Goleman and Richard E. Boyatzis have established that excellence in leadership requires possessing a well-balanced suite of Emotional Intelligence skills. With respect to managing relationships effectively, they focused on five traits that leaders should not only practice themselves, but encourage and teach within their teams:
1. Influence
As a leader, your behavior has the ability to influence the ideas, opinions, and actions of those around you. By understanding the emotional states and motivations of your team, you can communicate in a persuasive and engaging way that will inspire.
2. Teamwork
Working with others effectively requires a combination of self-awareness (to understand one’s role and influence with the team), social awareness (in order to recognize and appreciate the contribution of others), and relationship management skills (to help you navigate your team’s interpersonal dynamics). Successful leaders are able to share in the responsibility and reward, while creating an environment of respect, cooperation, and team pride.
3. Coach and Mentor
Developing your teams requires providing guidance, feedback, and support. Being an effective coach and mentor means employing the EQ skills of empathy and active listening, along with offering constructive and timely feedback, relevant challenges, and consistent motivation. An emotionally intelligent leader will be able to recognize their employee’s strengths and weaknesses, tailoring the approach to suit the mentee’s professional needs and personal goals.
4. Inspirational Leadership
An inspirational leader is able to motivate their employees to be their best and get the job done. This means being able to articulate the company’s mission in a way that both motivates and provides your team with a sense of shared purpose. By using your emotional awareness and understanding to communicate in a way that resonates with those you lead, you can keep your team enthusiastic and inspired. Model the values and behaviors you want to see while celebrating their achievements and potential.
5. Conflict Management
Managing conflicts as a leader means being able to navigate others through emotional and stressful situations and addressing disagreements in a tactful manner. By taking the time to listen and understand various perspectives, you can work towards a common solution that everyone can support. Remember that your goal should not be “winning” the conflict; your aim should be managing it effectively, so that your team can succeed.
"Anybody can become angry — that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way — that is not within everybody's power and is not easy."
Aristotle, The Nicomachean Ethics
In The Nicomachean Ethics, Aristotle’s philosophical inquiry into virtue, character, and the good life, he poses the challenge of how to manage our emotional lives with intelligence. He suggests that our passions, when properly guided, possess wisdom; they influence our thinking, our values, and our survival. But they can easily go awry, and do so all too often. As Aristotle argued, the problem lies not in experiencing emotions, but in the appropriateness of emotions and how they’re expressed.
Let’s dive in and take a closer look at conflict and relationship management.
The Value of EQ in Conflict Management
Daniel Goleman emphasizes the importance of EQ in managing and resolving conflicts effectively. According to Goleman, the key components of EQ, self-awareness, empathy, and social skills are critical in understanding both our own emotions and the emotions of others during conflicts. He believes that individuals with high EQ are better equipped to handle interpersonal disagreements. By being aware of their own emotional state as well as interpreting the emotions of others accurately, individuals can avoid escalations and misunderstandings. This awareness helps them control their own emotions, which maintains calm and prevents the situation from worsening.
Through managing emotions effectively, leaders can influence the emotional states of others, steering interactions toward more constructive and harmonious resolutions. Goleman argues that these abilities make it possible to navigate the complexities of human interactions during a conflict, promoting a solution-oriented approach rather than one that could lead to further conflict or misunderstanding. These skills are highly valuable in professional environments, where conflict resolution can lead to better teamwork and productivity.
“Out-of-control emotions can make smart people stupid.”
For Supervisors, managing conflicts effectively is essential for maintaining a positive and cohesive team environment. Your role involves addressing conflicts that arise in the daily interactions of your team. By practicing empathy and conflict resolution skills, you can help team members resolve their differences peacefully, which helps foster a supportive work environment. Not only does this enhance team morale but it also ensures that your team remains focused, productive, and successful.
Effective relationship management and conflict resolution require understanding and managing your emotions to achieve your goals. By staying composed, listening actively, and seeking common ground during conflicts, you enhance your ability to reach constructive resolutions and navigate challenges more successfully.
Additionally, managing conflict requires leaders to:
Be open, honest, and clear with your communication. Practice active listening, and don’t just focus on what is said, but how it's said.
Listen to understand, not to reply or fight back.
Show respect to the other person by being intentional with your actions, even when it’s challenging during a conflict.
Remain adaptable and willing to adjust your approach.
Try to understand the perspective of the other person.
Approach the conflict as a problem to be solved collaboratively, rather than a battle to be won.
Strive to keep your emotions in check to allow for clearer thinking and more effective communication.
Focus on seeking a win-win solution that satisfies everyone's needs, as this ultimately leads to more sustainable and positive outcomes.
“When you have a conflict, that means that there are truths that have to be addressed on each side of the conflict. And when you have a conflict, then it’s an educational process to try to resolve the conflict. And to resolve that, you have to get people on both sides of the conflict involved so that they can dialogue.”
Learning to understand and manage not just your own emotions but also those of others enables you to build stronger, more productive relationships with colleagues and team members. Leaders with low EQ might find it challenging to navigate these relationships, and may struggle to grasp both their own emotions and those of others, making constructive conversations difficult and draining. On the other hand, individuals who exhibit high empathy but lack other EQ skills may avoid conflict to preserve harmony, even at the cost of not advocating for their own needs or expressing concerns. While this approach may seem harmless, it can ultimately lead to feelings of resentment and general workplace dissatisfaction.
Here are some best practices for effectively managing your relationships:
Stay Open and Curious: Remain open and curious by being willing to share information with others about yourself. Be mindful to use your self-management skills to decide what and how much about yourself you want to share. Also, show interest in the other person by asking them questions and actively listening to learn about them. Take the time to identify relationships that need building and plan how to be open and curious in those relationships.
Show Appreciation and Humility: Don’t overlook the little things you can do to appreciate and acknowledge people. Saying “I’m sorry” when necessary, “please,” and “thank you” can go a long way in having a positive impact on people’s morale. Make it a habit of using more of these phrases in your daily communication and conversations whether in work-related or personal interactions.
Develop Your Conversational Skills: As often stated, conversation is an art form, and as with any art, becoming proficient requires practice. According to NPR host Celeste Headlee, having meaningful conversations requires being present, practicing active listening, refraining from lecturing or dominating the conversation, and asking open-ended questions. She also stresses the importance of focusing on the big picture, admitting ignorance (it’s okay not to know everything), and being concise.
Respond to Feedback with a Learning Mindset: Learn to take feedback well. While it can be tough to hear, you should see it as a relevant perspective from someone you can learn from. When you receive feedback, use your social awareness to listen and understand, self-awareness to recognize how you feel and self-management to decide what you are going to do with the feedback and act on it.
Demonstrate Empathy by Acknowledging Feelings: While acknowledging the feelings of others can be uncomfortable, it is an effective relationship management strategy. When you are with people expressing emotions, take the time to acknowledge how they are feeling. Do not try to stifle, change, or dismiss their feelings. People have a right to their feelings. Even if you don’t agree with their feelings, still acknowledge them.
Show People You Care: When you care, show it. Don’t think about it, act it. Saying “thank you,” telling people you appreciate them, and buying people cards and inexpensive gifts to show you care can go a long way. Do little things to show you care about people. Don’t just have good ideas about how you can show you care, act on those ideas. If someone does something you value, let the person know how you feel about it.
Learn How to Set and Respect Boundaries: Many people struggle with setting boundaries for themselves and respecting the boundaries of others. You can use the self-awareness skills you've developed to evaluate your needs and establish boundaries. However, identifying them is only the first step; you must then make them known to others while ensuring they are enforced. Understand and respect personal and professional boundaries. Clearly communicating your own boundaries and respecting others' limits is key to healthy relationships.
Give Others the Benefit of the Doubt: While most people want to believe they see the best in everyone, our emotions can make it challenging to see positive intentions in others. Choosing to give others the benefit of the doubt—believing that they mean well—requires conscious effort. Setting boundaries can help when shifting to this mindset, as putting our needs first helps safeguard against future feelings of resentment. In addition, assuming goodwill in others’ intentions allows us to offer constructive feedback. It’s impossible to be helpful when we’re approaching the situation from a place of hurt.
Invest Time in Relationships and Build Trust: Make time for others, whether it's for collaborative projects, casual conversations, or simply socializing. Strong relationships are built on shared experiences, mutual engagement, and a high level of trust. Trust is something that is built over time but unfortunately can be lost in seconds. To build trust with people, you will need to communicate openly, and be consistent in your words, actions and behavior over time. You should also be reliable and follow through on agreements. Trust helps us to build connections with others and you may need to ask people what you can do to build trust with them.
As with everything in life, finding a proper balance when managing both your emotions and relationships is key. This requires self-awareness and honest reflection, so that you’re able to assess both your strengths and weaknesses. If you’re someone who prefers being upbeat and offering positive reinforcement, then practice giving unpleasant feedback. If you’re naturally more confrontational, focus on listening to your colleagues and cultivating empathy.
▶ How do you typically balance being emotionally expressive and maintaining professional boundaries in your relationships at work?
▶ Can you identify a recent instance where adjusting this balance might have led to a more positive outcome?
Elevate your understanding of Relationship Management by taking flight with the following resources. Use this opportunity to navigate, uncover, and expand the horizons of your leadership influence.
10 Ways to Have a Better Conversation
Celeste Headless, TED Talk (11:44)
The Downsides of Being Very Emotionally Intelligent
Tomas Chamorro-Premuzic and Adam Yearsley