Managing Relationships
Our relationships with others—be they partners, friends, family, team members, colleagues, or bosses—profoundly influence our lives. A disagreement with a loved one, an unanswered text or call from a friend, or a sharp comment from a coworker can ruin your mood, leaving you stewing over it for hours or even days. Conversely, spending time with friends or engaging in meaningful conversations with loved ones can instantly uplift and elevate your spirits.
Building and sustaining relationships is a defining part of emotional intelligence. As we’ve previously discussed, having a strong EQ involves not only self and social awareness but also the ability to effectively manage your emotions while interacting with others. For police officers, the capability to understand both your own feelings and those of others is fundamental for developing interpersonal connections and achieving success. It’s also more than just forming relationships; emotional intelligence requires taking intentional measures to ensure they’re healthy and mutually beneficial.
“When dealing with people remember you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but creatures of emotion.”
Self-Assessment:
Managing Relationships
Please take a few moments to contemplate the following self-reflection questions. Where can you identify opportunities for personal growth in your leadership approach?
Do I regularly consider how my emotional state can affect my interactions with colleagues and decision-making processes?
How do I handle emotionally charged situations, particularly those involving conflict or stress, within my team?
In what ways do I strive to understand the unique perspectives, emotions, and motivations of those I work with?
Can I provide examples of when I have demonstrated empathy towards others in a way that they felt understood and supported?
How motivated am I to make a positive difference in my team or community, and how does this motivation reflect in my daily actions?
Am I aware of the impact my non-verbal communication has on others, and do I use it intentionally to convey positive emotions and reactions?
How do I respond to feedback about my emotional impact on others, and am I open to making adjustments based on this feedback?
What steps am I taking to continuously improve my emotional intelligence and my ability to manage relationships more effectively?
Remember, this self-assessment is just a starting point for understanding your knowledge of managing relationships. It's essential to reflect on your responses and actively work on areas where improvement is needed. Additionally, seeking feedback from others and working with your ECFL Leadership Coach can provide valuable insights into your emotional intelligence strengths and weaknesses.
Relationship management, as the name suggests, involves managing the relationships in your life. In the organizational context, this means maintaining positive relationships between a company and its clients. More broadly, it refers to the effort you put into sustaining successful relationships with everyone in your life, whether it be your spouse, family, friends, work colleagues, or team members.
“The most important single ingredient in the formula of success is knowing how to get along with people.”
Drawing on three decades of research, Daniel Goleman and Richard E. Boyatzis have demonstrated that excellence in police leadership requires a well-balanced set of Emotional Intelligence skills. For police officers to manage relationships effectively, they emphasize five core traits that leaders should not only embody themselves but also cultivate within their teams. These traits are essential for fostering trust, communication, and resilience, enabling officers to handle the emotional demands of their roles with professionalism and empathy:
Influence
As a police leader, your behavior can shape the perspectives, attitudes, and actions of those around you. By understanding the emotional states and motivations of your team members, you can communicate in a way that inspires trust, commitment, and engagement, encouraging them to uphold values of integrity, respect, and service.
Teamwork
Effective teamwork in law enforcement requires a combination of self-awareness (to understand one’s role and impact within the team), social awareness (to recognize and value the contributions of fellow officers), and relationship management skills (to navigate the dynamics within the squad). Successful police leaders share responsibility and recognition, creating an environment of respect, cooperation, and pride in the team’s mission to serve and protect.
Coach and Mentor
Developing your team as a police leader requires providing guidance, feedback, and support. Being an effective coach and mentor involves using emotional intelligence skills like empathy and active listening to understand your team’s unique needs. It also means providing constructive, timely feedback, setting challenges, and offering consistent motivation. An emotionally intelligent police leader recognizes each officer’s strengths and areas for growth, tailoring their approach to support both the professional development and personal well-being of each team member.
Inspirational Leadership
An inspirational police leader motivates their team to perform at their best and fulfill their duty to protect and serve. This involves communicating the department’s mission in a way that instills pride and a sense of shared purpose. By using emotional awareness and understanding, leaders can communicate in a way that resonates with their officers, keeping them enthusiastic and dedicated. Model the values and behaviors you want to see in your team, and celebrate their achievements and potential to build a motivated, cohesive unit.
Conflict Management
Effective conflict management as a police leader involves guiding your team through emotional and high-stress situations while addressing disagreements with tact and respect. By listening to and understanding different perspectives within the team, you can work toward a solution that everyone can support. Remember, the goal is not to “win” the conflict but to manage it effectively, ensuring that your team remains unified and focused on their shared mission to serve the community.
"Anybody can become angry—that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way—that is not within everybody's power and is not easy."
Aristotle, The Nicomachean Ethics
In The Nicomachean Ethics, Aristotle’s philosophical exploration into virtue, character, and the good life, he challenges us to manage our emotional lives with intelligence. He suggests that our passions, when properly guided, possess wisdom; influencing our thinking, values, and even survival. But they can easily go awry, and do so all too often. According to Aristotle, the problem lies not in experiencing emotions, but in the appropriateness of emotions and how they’re expressed.
Let’s take a closer look at conflict and relationship management:
The Value of EQ in Conflict Management
Daniel Goleman emphasizes the importance of EQ in managing and resolving conflicts effectively. According to Goleman, the key components of EQ—self-awareness, empathy, and social skills—-are critical in understanding both our own emotions and the emotions of others during conflicts. Individuals with high EQ are better equipped to handle interpersonal disagreements. By staying aware of their own emotions and accurately interpreting others' emotions, individuals can avoid escalations and misunderstandings. This awareness helps them maintain calm and prevents the situation from worsening.
By managing emotions effectively, leaders can positively influence others’ emotional states, steering interactions toward more constructive and harmonious resolutions. Goleman argues that these abilities make it possible to navigate the complexities of human interactions during a conflict, promoting a solution-oriented approach rather than one that could lead to further conflict or misunderstanding. These skills are highly valuable in professional environments, where conflict resolution can lead to better teamwork and productivity.
Effective relationship management and conflict resolution require understanding and managing your emotions to achieve your goals.
By staying composed, listening actively, and seeking common ground during conflicts, you enhance your ability to reach constructive resolutions and navigate challenges more successfully.
Additionally, for effective conflict management and relationship-building:
Build Trust through Consistent Actions
Officers can establish strong relationships by demonstrating integrity, fairness, and respect consistently.
Practice Active Listening
Officers actively listen to both the public and their colleagues, showing genuine interest in understanding their concerns and viewpoints.
Communicate Clearly and Respectfully
Officers should use clear, respectful language, avoiding jargon or statements that could be perceived as confrontational or dismissive.
Focus on De-escalation Techniques
When conflicts arise, officers should prioritize de-escalation. This includes remaining calm, using a neutral tone, and implementing verbal and non-verbal techniques to reduce tension and prevent the conflict from escalating further.
Be Proactive in Conflict Prevention
Officers can prevent conflicts by being proactive—anticipating potential issues, addressing concerns early, and maintaining open channels of communication.
Demonstrate Fairness and Impartiality
Treating everyone equally and impartially is essential in maintaining effective relationships. By ensuring that all individuals feel respected and valued, officers foster an environment of fairness and trust.
Foster a Culture of Collaboration and Teamwork
Within the department, a focus on teamwork and mutual support helps officers work together effectively. Collaboration encourages open communication, reduces conflicts, and creates a supportive environment where officers can rely on one another.
“When you have a conflict, that means that there are truths that have to be addressed on each side of the conflict. And when you have a conflict, then it’s an educational process to try to resolve the conflict. And to resolve that, you have to get people on both sides of the conflict involved so that they can dialogue.”
Learning to understand and manage not just your own emotions but also those of others enables you to build stronger, more productive relationships with colleagues, team members and even your own family.
Officer Smith was renowned for his ability to de-escalate tense situations on his beat. One afternoon, after peacefully resolving a neighborhood dispute, he realized he'd been neglecting that same patience at home. That evening, he sat down with his teenage daughter, listened earnestly, and began mending their strained relationship. By applying his professional skills to his personal life, he discovered that effective relationship management was essential both on the streets and at home.
Here are some best practices for effectively managing your relationships in both your personal and professional life!
Stay Open and Curious: Remain open and curious by being willing to share information with others about yourself. Be mindful to use your self-management skills to decide what and how much about yourself you want to share. Also, show interest in the other person by asking them questions and actively listening to learn about them. Take the time to identify relationships that need building and plan how to be open and curious in those relationships.
Show Appreciation and Humility: Don’t overlook the little things you can do to appreciate and acknowledge people. Saying “I’m sorry” when necessary, “please,” and “thank you” can go a long way in having a positive impact on people’s morale. Make it a habit of using more of these phrases in your daily communication and conversations whether in work-related or personal interactions.
Develop Your Conversational Skills: As often stated, conversation is an art form, and as with any art, becoming proficient requires practice. According to NPR host Celeste Headlee, having meaningful conversations requires being present, practicing active listening, refraining from lecturing or dominating the conversation, and asking open-ended questions. She also stresses the importance of focusing on the big picture, admitting ignorance (it’s okay not to know everything), and being concise.
Respond to Feedback with a Learning Mindset: Learn to take feedback well. While it can be tough to hear, you should see it as a relevant perspective from someone you can learn from. When you receive feedback, use your social awareness to listen and understand, self-awareness to recognize how you feel and self-management to decide what you are going to do with the feedback and act on it.
Demonstrate Empathy by Acknowledging Feelings: While acknowledging the feelings of others can be uncomfortable, it is an effective relationship management strategy. When you are with people expressing emotions, take the time to acknowledge how they are feeling. Do not try to stifle, change, or dismiss their feelings. People have a right to their feelings. Even if you don’t agree with their feelings, still acknowledge them.
Show People You Care: When you care, show it. Don’t think about it, act it. Saying “thank you,” telling people you appreciate them, and buying people cards and inexpensive gifts to show you care can go a long way. Do little things to show you care about people. Don’t just have good ideas about how you can show you care, act on those ideas. If someone does something you value, let the person know how you feel about it.
Learn How to Set and Respect Boundaries: Many people struggle with setting boundaries for themselves and respecting the boundaries of others. You can use the self-awareness skills you've developed to evaluate your needs and establish boundaries. However, identifying them is only the first step; you must then make them known to others while ensuring they are enforced. Understand and respect personal and professional boundaries. Clearly communicating your own boundaries and respecting others' limits is key to healthy relationships.
Give Others the Benefit of the Doubt: While most people want to believe they see the best in everyone, our emotions can make it challenging to see positive intentions in others. Choosing to give others the benefit of the doubt—believing that they mean well—requires conscious effort. Setting boundaries can help when shifting to this mindset, as putting our needs first helps safeguard against future feelings of resentment. In addition, assuming goodwill in others’ intentions allows us to offer constructive feedback. It’s impossible to be helpful when we’re approaching the situation from a place of hurt.
Invest Time in Relationships and Build Trust: Make time for others, whether it's for collaborative projects, casual conversations, or simply socializing. Strong relationships are built on shared experiences, mutual engagement, and a high level of trust. Trust is something that is built over time but unfortunately can be lost in seconds. To build trust with people, you will need to communicate openly, and be consistent in your words, actions and behavior over time. You should also be reliable and follow through on agreements. Trust helps us to build connections with others and you may need to ask people what you can do to build trust with them.
“Out-of-control emotions can make smart people stupid.”
As with everything in life, finding a proper balance when managing both your emotions and relationships is key. This requires self-awareness and honest reflection, so that you’re able to assess both your strengths and weaknesses. If you’re someone who prefers being upbeat and offering positive reinforcement, then practice giving unpleasant feedback. If you’re naturally more confrontational, focus on listening actively to your colleagues and cultivating empathy.
▶ How do you typically balance being emotionally expressive and maintaining professional boundaries in your relationships at work?
▶ Can you identify a recent instance where adjusting this balance might have led to a more positive outcome?
Enhance your understanding of Relationship Management by reviewing the following resources. Take this opportunity to enhance your leadership effectiveness and expand your influence within the department and community.
10 Ways to Have a Better Conversation
Celeste Headless, TED Talk (11:44)
The Downsides of Being Very Emotionally Intelligent
Tomas Chamorro-Premuzic and Adam Yearsley
Emotional intelligence: The Hidden Skill Every Police Officer Needs
Relationship-Based Policing
PoliceChief Magazine